Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize