I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
