if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There r osticjed everywhere
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
