remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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