Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
