I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
