we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize