DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
