This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize