Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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