it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
