That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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