I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
