the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
