The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
