dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
