There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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