I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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