in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
