I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize