My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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