so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize