last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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