Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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