i already hear my dad disowning me
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
