I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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