Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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