I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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