I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
