I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
