Yo dont text me then not text me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
