I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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