Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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