I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
