piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
