My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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