we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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