Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
