nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
