i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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