that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
