Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
