your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
