hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
