Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
