I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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