bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
