just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
do herpes really smell.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
