What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize