Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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