It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
