Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
