I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
