Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
