I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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