Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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