your thong is hanging out like whoa
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
