I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize