if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
