Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
