I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
