it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
