just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
