my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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