This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
