Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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