somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
