apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
